I’ve been tortured over the topic of this column, not because I have anything particularly interesting to write about but because it will be my last.
I’ve been sure of only one thing: I want to go out with a bang, leave my mark. But I haven’t the slightest clue how.
Then I thought, “I’m an entertainment columnist. That’s not something that just anyone can say.”
In fact I’m more than just a columnist; I am the entertainment editor. The entire page on which this column rests was designed and assigned by me. The pulse of entertainment news in “The Campus” is housed in my wrist so, in my mind, that qualifies me to train the entertainment reporters that come after me.
It’s not an easy job. It’s not all just watching TV and reading blogs. No, no, you have to be invested—willing to give up other things in your life, ready to fully commit yourself to the asylum that is Hollywood. But, if you are ready, here’s a look at the life:
If you’re interested, you must first don the attire of an entertainment reporter.
We are loners by nature, lurking in the shadows, waiting for quotes. You’ll need sunglasses (the bigger the better) and maybe a hat for the guys. Of course, you will need a backpack that you will never again be seen without and, lastly but most importantly, an iPod, which is instrumental in drowning out the world (or at least appearing to as you listen unsuspected).
Summer is a great time for entertainment. It gets warm and people go crazy and, when people go crazy, celebrities go insane. (They can afford a bit more crazy than the average Joe.) For three months there is, without fail, nonstop eccentricity.
New music, movies and the inevitable summer love that turns into hate with the autumn leaves.
I, a true entertainment reporter, see the summer as an endless opportunity to fill my head with random facts and trivia that will undoubtedly erase the $25,000 a year education.
How do I do it, you ask?
It’s simple. I am completely uninterested in things that are supposed to be important.
Leading news can be learned unconsciously because I hear it so much but I had to search around to find out that Jazmine Sullivan is afraid of the dark, or that Paula Abdul may be leaving American Idol. Or even harder, what Paris Hilton actually does for a living (which I’m still working on).
This is a full time job! I cannot be distracted with such trivial things as foreign policy and epidemics. Swine flu? Psh. The doctor will tell me if I have it. Taxes? I have my whole life to think about them. Tornadoes? I don’t sweat the small stuff—but I absolutely need to know who is feuding with whom.
I mean, it’s summer. Why would I waste it being responsible or ensuring my academic future?
I have to read every exposé, pour over every picture, sit through every movie and, yes, it is absolutely necessary for me to wear my headphones at all times.
There are some things that you must know to be an entertainment reporter. You have to know the language, history, pacing, clever metaphors and veiled insults. You have to know how to approach touchy subjects, predict the fall of the mighty, read between the lines in interviews and be a body language expert.
So maybe my last column won’t send me out with a bang, maybe it’ll never even get read.
But maybe, just maybe, there is someone who understands the ramblings of an entertainment addict and can’t wait to take my place—because the most important thing an entertainment reporter needs to know is when to stop.
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