If you ask me: Answer some questions with care

*Disclaimer: I cannot and will not speak for all women. I am just one sarcastic girl with curly hair. I am not to be taken seriously. The fact that I'm always right is just a technicality. Proceed.

Every comedy movie has done the "Do I look fat?" line to death. It's funny … sometimes. But personally, I never really understood it. The way I figure it, if I am fat he should already know and if he hasn't mentioned it, he probably doesn't care. And if he doesn't know, then why ruin the bliss by bringing it to his attention?

But that line is used every time a woman is described so I thought I would break it down to make the situation easier for everybody.

It's all just a big misunderstanding; the jumble of what was said, what was heard and what was meant.

Let's look at this from my angle because things are much more interesting inside my head.

I think that generally when a woman asks if she looks fat it's because she knows she is fat. I refuse to believe that anyone is walking around in their body being completely unaware of how it looks (unless they have some sort of illness).

Most often people spend a good deal of time thinking about themselves. So when she asks if she looks fat, she already knows.

What she's really saying is: "Do I look extra fat in this outfit?" Or "Does it bother you that I'm fat?"

Every man and boy has learned to answer this question carefully. As they should have; sometimes it can be life and death.

For those who don't know, this is how to wiggle out of this situation successfully, and alive.

Just take a quick look at her and say "no." Make sure your eyes are full of love and admiration and the no is full of shock. Be upset that she would even ask you such a crazy question. Don't answer too quickly, don't think too long. And boom, you're good.

Yea I know this goes against all the honesty stuff I've said before but sometimes lies are necessary.

You'll appreciate this kind of thinking if you're ever dumb enough to ask "Does size really matter?"

She'll do the right thing; fill her eyes with an understanding and slightly amused look and answer

"Of course not" while touching your arm in a comforting manner. She's lying. But she does it to be nice. Its different because she heard what you were really saying "Does MY size matter?"

The problem is that when men hear women start that fat talk they slip off into their happy place.

A land where football isn't just a weekend thing and every chair reclines. I understand that. I do the same thing when my friends start that convo, but I'm a girl. I can do that.

All you heard was "blah blah blah tell me I'm pretty" and that's annoying, I know. But if you listen closely what she's really asking is … for you to tell her she's pretty.

You know what? Maybe some things aren't so complicated.