I wish someone had all the answers

Since I've been a student at OU, I've never questioned my faith and religion more. Aside from athletics, it's the other topic around here that I would say is discussed most. ?

At times, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about, and often, I step back from getting into discussions about it. When asked, I usually don't say much, simply stating that "I'm ‘searching" or "waiting for ‘that' sign." ?

That sign being in my fate or destiny to become a disciple.

However, since fate is said to be inevitable, it's already pre-determined if this will happen in my life.

I guess that would make me a bit of a fatalist, but if everything is supposed to be under God's control, then He'll give me a sign, right? ?

Maybe.

But maybe I'm giving the man in the sky a hard time.

Maybe I should have complete faith in his word-and in the Bible.

It's just hard for me to follow something I have so many questions about. And why would I question something I really believe in? ?

I guess you would say I'm more lost than searching. I wasn't forced to go to church on Sundays, and it was my option to become involved in churches in my hometown.

Having so many questions about the Bible is really frustrating to me, so it's hard for me to have complete faith in something that boggles my mind. ?

Maybe it's the writer in me that has so many questions. When writing a story, you can research and research until you run out of words to say. When it comes to religion, it really is unanswerable. Everyone has his or her own interpretation. I have many, and they change often. ?

I'm not saying I didn't go to church, because I did, but I had a lot of questions there, too.

My pastor told me to just trust in God, and even at 10 years old, I was always asking ‘why' or ‘how'; I just wanted the answers, I wanted the extra guidance. ?

Do I feel like every student here should have to take Gospels? No.

Do I feel like every student here should have to take College Algebra? No.

These areas that we may otherwise not venture into bring a lot of questions and thoughts into our daily lives.

I remember a time last year when I was talking to someone that was transferring from OU.

When I asked her about it, she said that she just felt she did all she could here, that she was here to find God. And she did, and then said that now God was taking her on her next journey. ?

It really made me think about things after she said this to me. And after writing this, it could be my sign; however, I still have a lot of questions. I feel like it's okay to ask them here because being in Gospels has shown me that other people feel the exact same way I do-and that it's okay to still be searching, to still question, and to feel lost. ?
Maybe I will get my sign someday-but for now, I'm leaving it to fate.