Post Classifieds

Tinderellas and Tinderfellas

By Nicole Pierick and Keiran President
On November 16, 2018

Swipe left or right; we are all looking for that one person to take home for the holidays, not just to have for one night!

Here are the 13 different types of profiles you may come across on Tinder while looking for your holiday bae. One is from the girl's perspective; one from the guy's.

1) Mr. & Mrs. 420

Mr. 420’s bio may say something like “420 Blaze it," "blunt friendly," "lookin’ for a shawty to vibe with" and "I’ll smoke you up.” If that doesn’t win your heart over, pictures of him with squinty eyes, wearing a drug rug and blowing smoke out of his mouth will surely do it.

Mrs. 420 has somewhat the same bio, but we can still add the “swipe left if you don’t smoke," "420 friendly" and the fall leaf and smoke emoji.”Their pictures are similar as well, except the drug rug. We can just replace that with a bonnet. But the famous blowing smoke out her mouth, joints in her hand and other items like Juuls and vapes may be seen as well.

2) Rando weird hipster

So the stoner wasn’t for you, how about a hipster? His bio may say something like, “I like cheetos and dinosaur slippers.” Odd ... but maybe that is what you’re looking for.

The female version will have a different hair color in every picture and a bunch of emojis in their bios to represent what they are interested in. Guys, if you want a girl whose hair-color history you can make a rainbow with, then go for it.

3) Camo-lovin, animal-killin, 2-steppin, boot-wearin, whiskey-drinkin’ country boy/girl

Ooo yum! You’ll certainly enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner as you hear all about how your new man killed the turkey you’re currently eating. Ya know what, being vegetarian doesn’t sound so bad anymore. Plus, who wouldn’t swipe right on someone with a lip full of chew? That’s 10/10 on the hotness scale, baby.

Not so yum, for me. I am not really into these kind of profiles at all. But as we will continue to say, if that is your kinda thing, go for it! The profiles include pictures holding a fish or deer, on a four-wheeler or just shotgunning a beer by a lake. If you match with one of those people, just remember, wearing camo together in the woods will make it hard to see your future pictures.

4) Greek-life member

If Vineyard Vines pink shorts, blue shirts and Sperrys are for you, then you’ve hit the jackpot here. If you can’t tell by their rush pictures, or their keg-stand, pin-wearing, beer-spilt-down-the-front-of-their-$50-shirt, their bio posts will certainly be a clue -- somehow their fraternity name provides enough to fill in the blanks of their personality. Bring this cutie home to hear endless stories of, like, totally fun frat parties.

Be ready to see mainly group pictures with skinny, long blonde-haired, perfectly made-up sorority sisters, either holding their signs or making their signs with their fingers.

5) The cuties

Whatever your type is, this is it. Perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect body type, same interests, loves dogs and spending time with their family. WOW -- PERFECT -- PROBABLY YOUR SOULMATE. You NEED to match with this person. Just swipe right! Okay ... swiping right ... and ... not a match. Whatever -- your loss, pal. More Christmas presents for me. The search continues.

For me, it’s beautiful smile, nice hair (preferably not multicolored), good body, common interests. Let me take you home to St. Lucia and see how you do surrounded by my family and loved ones. Then we’ll see if you could still be the one.

6) The catfish

This girl or guy has exactly one picture and it is a group picture. So ... which one is it? Odds are they are the ugly one in the group. Tough luck. Let’s be optimistic though: Their snapchat is in their bio, so you send them a snap. Five minutes later, you get a snap back and, guess what -- it’s not the ugly one, but also doesn’t look like anyone in the picture either. You have been bamboozeled. DELETE DELETE DELETE.

These girls are too good to be true! One or two beautiful pictures, no bio, no employment or school. Just distance. You know, that’s how I think that’s how it should stay -- distant. Don’t get your hopes up if you do match because you will most certainly be catfished!

(According to the Urban Dictionary, catfishing is “The phenomenon of internet predators that fabricate online identities and entire social circles to trick people into emotional/romantic relationships.”)

7) The washed-up athlete

Their first picture is them playing a sport, but do not get them confused with an athlete. Their bio clearly reads “washed-up athlete, world-famous thumb wrestler, run a 15.27 mile.” Wow. Impressive. You look through their other pictures to find them playing competitive kickball and a picture of 17-year-old them playing tee-ball. Amazing.

The girls will be sure to make it clear that they are washed-up athletes. One of the main things you will see in their bio are some old action shots and a few pictures in their uniforms, but, remember, they may no longer look as fit as they did in those pics ... if they did look fit to begin with..

8) The show-off

These men may also be in a fraternity. However, they only have pictures of them at a beach surrounded by other beach-babes and, of course, they are showing off their perfectly chiseled bodies. Which makes me a little jealous, so I’m not going to be swiping right on these ones -- I’d feel like an ugly, homeless cow.  

These ladies will always be in bikinis or leggings and a sports bra, showing off their bodies either by a pool, lake, beach or body mirror. It may be attractive, but profiles like these have no substance. They normally don’t have any bios so all I have to go on is the fact that they have a good bodies. Ummm ... swipe left.

9) The athlete

They only show pictures of them in their uniform or travel suit. Kinda cute, until you read their bio: “Married to the game, but down to Netflix and chill.” Yeah, no. Not going to be able to bring this one home for Hallmark movies and hot chocolate with the fam.

Thats my type right there! I love sports, so if we could play sports together then that’s a swipe right for me. Stay away from only team group photos or uniform photos. I need to see that you can balance both the athlete and social life.

10) The military brat

Who doesn’t love someone in a uniform? Their pictures are typically all in uniform and their bio says, “Looking for a reason to delete this app.” Hmm … we may have a contender here. Oh, what’s that? 3,072 miles away? Issa no from me, dawg.

The females are the same! Most of them tend to be a “dog mom” or have any kind of pet. They may also only be in the area for short periods of time. If you’re down to go on a date every two months, shoot your shot! Military personnel do get lots of discounts ...

11) The parent

The first picture is really cute, so you click on the bio. “Mommy/Dad to 2.” Let’s take a look at the other pictures now … all with their kids. Yeah … being a step-parent is not for me. Nor do I have the funds to buy a Barbie dream house for their kids this Christmas. Next.

I beg to differ on the first picture part, *cringe slightly*. The single moms tend to post more selfies and pics of themselves in the beginning, then they hit you with that one picture of the kid(s). But then you say, “Oh that’s probably a relative’s or friend’s kid.” Scroll down to the bio and it says “Mother of one, Yes that is my kid, My kid comes before you.” I don’t think I am ready to be a step-parent either. *slowly walks away*.

12) Fitness Fanatic

His body is perfect; you can tell he spends time in the gym. Oh. Nope, not just time … every waking minute. The bio says they’re looking for someone to work out with. Oh great. They’re probably the type of person to run a 5K on Thanksgiving morning. Nope, not me.

All pictures are taken in a body mirror in athletic attire. Mainly they’re showing off their butts by sitting on a bathroom sink or extending their back leg and turning their torso. So similar bios to that of the men, but my lazy self will just come morally support you as you hit the gym. I’ll just be watching the gym’s TV while you’re working out. If you get me to work out with you, then you must be really special!

13) Musician

Their pictures feature them with just about every instrument you could imagine: flute, guitar, harmonica, drums, trumpet -- they can even sing. Wow, I am so untalented; I’d rather not spend my Christmas talking about how uninteresting I am. Let’s keep swiping.

I enjoy music. Just don’t come talking all about how many instruments you can play, while I’ll be over here playing air drums or thigh drums my entire life. I would like it if you could sing to me, and, if we don’t work out, then maybe you could record yourself singing/playing my significant other’s favorite song.

After hours of swiping, I have come to the conclusion that going go to the holidays alone won’t be so bad. Sure, I’ll be the only single one, and Aunt Becky is going to shame me for being single for the 22nd year in a row. But after weighing my options, this seems like the only choice.

All I’m looking for is a body to keep me warm during the winter. If it becomes serious, so be it. I’m just here trying to graduate, to move on to the next chapter in my life. If that includes doing it with someone I met on Tinder, then so be it! But not getting my hopes up. #ForeverAlone.  

Happy swiping and don’t forget, it’s #CuffingSZN. Maybe Christian Mingle or Match.com will bring better luck.

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