Not as Easy as You'd Think

Photo from: www.thelaughinggrass.com

Going to school at Ottawa University, you always hear about the dreadful drug test that looms over student-athlete’s heads. Having to wake up early to go pee in front of a stranger just doesn’t seem to excite too many people.

Athletes are told that the test is selected at random and underplayed to not be harmful. Well, in my experience, the drug test was long, didn’t seem random at all and was extremely stressful.

Being selected for the drug test took place when I was involved in newspaper class where a few of my classmates decided to write an article about the drug testing policy here on campus.

When they decided to pursue the story I made the joke, “Watch one of us in here get ‘randomly’ selected for a test.” As predicted, I became that “randomly” selected student for the next round of testing after the story was published.  

My journey to pee began with a message from my coach telling me to go see the athletic trainer. I immediately knew I was selected to be tested, so I proceeded to visit the trainer’s where I was instructed to meet in the same room the next morning at 5:30 a.m. for my “randomly” selected drug test.

We went over the procedures as I signed the forum saying I had been notified. This is where the story goes downhill.

I immediately went into panic mode not because I had done some “drugs” of simple things like protein powder, pre-workout, ibuprofen and caffeine (yes, you read that right).

Did I take the wrong protein with a weird substance I’ve never heard of that is illegal? Did I take too much caffeine (yes, having too much caffeine is illegal by NAIA standards).

That night before my early morning wakeup call, I got in bed at 8 p.m. and couldn’t fall asleep. I was as nervous as a kid going to a parent teacher conference knowing he had been acting up in class.

What seemed to be as soon as I closed my eyes, my alarm went off. I rushed to put clothes on then, bam, out the door. I arrived in the trainer’s room and had to pee like crazy.

Once I got there, I showed my ID, signed a few papers and was off to the bathroom. I had to lift my shirt up, drop my pants and at this point I went from needing to pee to asking, “Why am I in here?”

As I went to start my business, I looked up and saw him staring. That’s when I completely got stage fright. I couldn’t pee.

It felt weird, okay, but weird is not the word to describe it. I was bamboozled. I’ve heard the stories but being there is a whole different experience.

After a shameful five minutes, I let the “looker” know I couldn’t go, which sent me back to the trainer's as a holding room.

Since I didn’t pee I had to work out until the sensation hit me. I did situps, walked around for an hour and even had to get completely naked and take a shower.

After being in the shower for 10 minutes, I finally found the urge to pee. So I did … but unfortunately, I didn’t pee enough to fulfill the required pee amount. I was “three drops short” (those were the exact words told to me).

The good news is that I was dehydrated, so I could begin to receive water now. But even after nine and a half bottles of water, I still couldn’t pee.

So back to the workout routine with the addition of a stationary bike for about 30 minutes before, once again, feeling the urge to pee.

I rushed to the bathroom and the same exact thing happened: I couldn’t produce. Back to working out. At this point I’m exhausted, my stomach hurts from being hungry and I’m just outright mad. I just wanted to pee.

After another 30 minutes of workout, I had to pee again, but this time it all just came out. Rushing like Niagara Falls, I peed everywhere with enough to fill up three cups.

Feeling like “the man,” I walked in proud, holding my cup up like the Super Bowl trophy. I glanced at the clock and read 8:30 a.m. I had been there for three whole hours. After dealing with me, I doubt I’ll ever be “randomly selected” again.